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How You Know You’re Dead, Part 4 February 14, 2007

Posted by Yvonne in Distinctions.

Mostly, you know you’re really dead when … You haven’t posted to your blog for many, many months!


And then again, here are more tell-tale signs … extending the list from: part 1, 2, and 3  (and more at part 5):

  • You don’t recognize your shoes.
  • You enjoy only discriminately.
  • You pretend to be alive.
  • You don’t care much about reconciling anything that’s out of balance, whether it’s the accounting or a relationship or the politics of being a citizen.
  • You try to imagine a time when you were alive, but it seems so far away, so long ago.
  • You smell funny.
  • You don’t get dizzy.
  • You are completely useless at a birthday party be cause you can’t blow up a balloon, sing out loud, blow out candles or play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey.
  • You are as good as any of the other kids at whacking the piñata.
  • You stay in one position for a really long time.
  • You can stare anyone down.
  • You wear the same color shoes everyday.
  • You have a clammy handshake.
  • You can’t tell what others are feeling.
  • You look only in one direction.
  • You are adept at side-stepping responsibility.
  • You can sleep with the light on.
  • You have the same thoughts rolling around in your head day after day.
  • You let the ice cream melt.
  • You don’t eat the good stuff.
  • You can’t hold a child or an infant.
  • You can’t change a diaper or a tire or a bed.
  • You have no discernable impact.
  • You impede.
  • You eventually go bad.
  • You can’t add two and two.
  • You keep going in the direction you’re headed no matter what.
  • You stop at brick walls.
  • You can’t tell morning from night, nor summer from winter.
  • You spend a lot of time doing nothing.
  • You are pale on camera.
  • You clam up most of the time.
  • You never RSVP.
  • You don’t think of the right thing to say till much, much later.
  • You never swallow nor inhale.
  • You are a terrible dance partner.
  • You are pretty stubborn at all times.
  • You never squint to try to see better.
  • You frequently don’t see, and you often miss the point.
  • Even if they try to explain the joke you don’t get it.
  • You never laugh.
  • You haven’t learned anything new in geography.
  • You have no hope of ever going to China, Istanbul or Veracruz.
  • You never pickup the tab.
  • You no longer wonder.
  • You find that your sleeping night is the same as your waking day.
  • You are a good partner for the carpool lane.
  • Sometimes you get sat on by mistake.
  • You fall over at the end of escalators and moving walkways.
  • You have trouble with zippers.
  • You are a good friend for an egomaniac.
  • You appear to have given up the ghost.
  • You don’t love actively.
  • You can’t push anyone’s buttons.
  • You just sit there until moved by an outside force.
  • You never feel it if you are thrown into the pool.
  • You sink and don’t swim.
  • You are mistaken for a coat rack.
  • You don’t notice that you’ve been listening to the same CD over and over again.
  • You have no problem with the smoke from the bar-be-que, the smog from the city, or the noise from the neighbors.
  • You never say, “A little to the right please …” to make yourself happier.

And from my dear friend Q,

  • You do a lot of waiting.
  • You find yourself sending the same Christmas and Birthday cards back to those who sent them, only you cross out their names and sign yours.
  • You chirp up for your meal of prunes and bran, and get overly excited till the big move occurs.
  • No matter what book you read or what subject it’s on, they all come out the same.
  • As the years go by your recall of being on the third grade basketball team becomes one of having been on the US Olympic team that almost won the gold. There seems to be a lot more of, “You know, I could have been a contender” type of thinking.


1. Yvonne - March 5, 2007

More from Q-man:

* Losing weight becomes easy
* The old backache has gone away
* The knees don’t hurt like they once did
* Kryptonite no longer has the effect it once did
* Feel alot lighter
* Can drink all and anything and not ge a hangover
* If you never pay the bills, nobody seems to care
* Heallth is no longer an issue
* Physical injuries are no longer a prolem
* The hemorhoids have gone away

If I start drinking more wine, I’ll go on and on… Good to talk to you, and hope we can get together soon…Q

2. Yvonne - March 15, 2007

– You can no longer keep your agreements.
– Your mood doesn’t change much.

3. Yvonne - October 30, 2007

And this via email from friend Marlis:

“As my Grandmother Picotte warned me at the age of 97, barely peeking above the edge of the table from a wheelchair in the pissy-smelling old folks home she lived in temporarily, ‘Don’t let them fool you, Marlis; getting old is no damned fun!’

I was telling one of my students, a research scientist, about the list on your blog about “How to Know When You are Dead.” She told me about a death dream she has been having occasionally and asked what I thought it meant. (I love deciphering dreams!) I can’t say that I could untangle it completely, however, it ended up that she wanted to read your list; so, I have shared it with her, though I haven’t had the opportunity to talk with her since.

I can’t wait to hear what her response will be–as I am fairly certain that she will enjoy the dark humor of its premise. Within it, the whole list gives a reminder of how precious life is–even when it sometimes appears to be “no damned fun…”

4. Yvonne - November 27, 2007

– You don’t send gifts. Or if you do, they all have the same wrapping.
– You don’t know anyone who’s young enough to be your child.
– Nothing hurts.
– Even if you say you will, you won’t.
– You don’t notice the morning birds.
– Invitations don’t phase you.
– The prospect of actually finishing your taxes gives no joy.
– Chocolate is a distant memory.
– You’re standard response is: “I’ll sit this one out.”

5. How You Know You’re Dead, Part 5 « Conscious Connections - March 26, 2008

[…] How You Know You’re Dead, Part 5 March 26, 2008 Posted by Yvonne in Distinctions. trackback Continuing from part 4 … […]

6. How You Know You’re Dead « Conscious Connections - February 1, 2010

[…] came: part 2, 3, 4 and […]

7. How You Know You’re Dead, Part 3 « Conscious Connections - February 1, 2010

[…] by Yvonne in Distinctions. trackback What is it about this conversation (see more at part 1, 2, 4 and 5)? Seems there’s still more to see about how un-alive life can be […]

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